Helping Someone

It is imperative that if you think that someone you know has an eating disorder – do your research first.Learn as much as you can about eating disorders from reliable sources such as web-sites, books, and articles. A person suffering from an eating disorder feels that they cannot be understood by others. Knowing the facts about what causes these disorders and how the person could be feeling will make your friend feel more comfortable trusting you.

It is also important to be aware of the various myths concerning a healthy life style with respect to nutrition, exercise and weight. You want to encourage your friend to be healthy, not threaten them with unhealthy habits.

Communicate your concerns. Do not hold yourself aloof from your friend, be honest and openly discuss your concerns regarding your friend’s health. In many cases the person is not aware that they have a problem. Being told by someone they care about can be the first step to recovery. Even if your friend is already conscious about their situation, reinforcing your concern and wish to see them better will continue to encourage the healing process. Ignoring or avoiding the problem will only let the disorder progress and your friend to continue suffering in silence.

When talking to your friend it is essential to try and understand their problems without being judgmental. Remember that they are not acting the way they do to be different, difficult or silly. It is due to chemical changes in their brains. It is the only way that they feel they can cope. Therefore focus on how they feel inside. It is the inner problems that are causing the disorder.

Don’t oversimplify. Avoid thinking or saying things such as “She/He is just an attention seeker” “It is just a diet” “It’s just nonsense – All you have to do is start accepting yourself as you are”

Do not try and push your friend out of their habits by threatening them. Comments such as “Stop being this way or I won’t talk to you again” will only make your friend feel more isolated and create a distance between you which will not help.

Show your friend your continuous support. Do not focus all your time together on the disorder. The obsessive thoughts are always on your friend’s mind, so help them have a break. Involve them in your social activities and do things where you can enjoy yourselves together. It would be advisable to do this in an environment that does not threaten your friend, therefore a food free space and a scene that does not focus on body image, such as clothes shopping.

Avoid making meal times a battle ground. Although you should not stop eating certain foods yourself just to accommodate the other person, it would not be right to force the other person to eat things they do not feel comfortable with. Meal times are already a very tough situation for a person with an eating disorder. Fighting at table will only make them feel even more uncomfortable and threatened with the idea of being around food.

Compliment your friend for what they are as a person; their personality, achievements, skills. But avoid comments that refer to their body size and shape. Remind your friend that there is more to beauty than what shows on the outside – “true beauty” is not simply skin deep.

You should also strive to be a good role model in regard to sensible eating, exercise, and self-acceptance.

The most difficult issue is probably coming to tell someone about your friend’s problem. You might feel that telling someone something that your friend has trusted you with would be a betrayal of their trust. However, if you truly care about them you must help them seek professional help before it is too late.  It is hard to know when it is necessary to discuss your concerns, but do not let the situation become critical before contacting someone. The earlier the issue is dealt with, the greater the chances of recovery. Your support and understanding are essential to help your friend get better. However it is not something you can help your friend get out of on your own. There are many different aspects of the disorder that can only be handled appropriately by people who are experts in the field.

It is worth to keep in mind that forcing your friend to seek help or change their habits and attitude will not help. Instill a sense of hope in your friend; show them that things can be different and that they can get out of the situation.

Don’t be inactive during an emergency: If the person is throwing up several times per day, or passing out, or complaining of chest pain, or is suicidal, get professional help immediately.

What should I say?

Discuss your worries early on, before the situation has become too bad. Do not wait for your friend to go through many of the damaging physical and emotional implications of eating disorders.

First of all, listen. You do not have all the answers and you will not know what the right thing to say is most of the time, but being there, being a pillar of support for your friend, makes all the difference.

Find time – a quiet, private and respectful moment – to discuss your concerns with your friend, where there will be no distractions and where your friend will feel comfortable discussing her problems. Do not confront the person as part of a group of people, all of whom are firing accusations at the person at once. Share your concerns, and instances which resulted in such worries and explain why you think there could be a problem.

Keep the focus on the ways that the behaviors are impacting the person’s life and well-being. For example discuss the ways that they no longer attend social activities, they no longer excel in things they previously enjoyed, their tiredness and their regard towards food and themselves.

Do not diagnose and insist that your friend has an eating disorder. Avoid arguing with your friend that they have a problem. Many a time it may be difficult for them to accept that their eating disorder is in fact a problem. Insistence will cause conflicts and will distance yourself from your friend. It is important to always be supportive and re-state the reasons for your concerns, leaving yourself open and available as asupportive listener.

Avoid placing shame, blame, or guilt on your friend regarding their actions or attitudes. Do not use accusatory “you” statements like, “You just need to eat.” Or, “You are acting irresponsibly.” Instead, use “I” statements. For example: “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.” Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting.” Show your concern but do not attack your friend. Also avoid giving simple solutions. For example, “If you’d just stop, then everything would be fine!”

Encourage your friend to explore these concerns with a health professional who is knowledgeable about eating disorders (e.g. a counselor, psychologist, doctor). It may help to set an appointment and accompany your friend to the first appointment, if your friend is wary of talking about it. Remember however, that you cannot force your friend into seeking help and you cannot force them to want to get better. They need to want it for themselves. You can only suggest and encourage it.

Don’t give up if the person shuts you out at first or reacts in anger or denial. The eating disorder is your loved one’s way of dealing with emotions that are too painful to face directly. Be patient and supportive always – keep trying even though you may feel that your love and friendship is being unfairly rejected. Remember that beneath that angry exterior is a scared and frightened person. It may take some time before your friend or family member is even willing to admit to having a problem.

After talking with your friend, if you are still concerned with their health and safety, find a trusted adult or medical professional to talk to. This is probably a challenging time for both of you. It could be helpful for you, as well as your friend, to discuss your concerns and seek assistance and support from a professional.

Above all, express your continued support. Remind your friend that you care and want your friend to be healthy and happy.

Adapted from the National Eating Disorders Association; www.NationalEatingDisorders.org

How my loved one’s eating disorder can affect me

Watching someone you love hurt and slowly kill themselves can be traumatic and leaves you feeling helpless in trying to save them.

You may be in denial

•          Your loved one needs all the support they can get. Without help the person will feel that the only thing they can find strength from is their disorder. Avoiding the problem will only let the process go on and worsen.

You may feel angry

•          Towards yourself: talk about it with someone, do not keep it in.

•          Towards the person suffering: the person is not doing this to hurt you, they are doing this to themselves and it is very difficult for them to stop. They are suffering very much. Becoming angry with the person will make them feel worse.

You may feel guilty

•          No one is to blame

•          It is best to accept that there is a problem and start working towards helping the person and yourself during the recovery process.

You may feel afraid

•          Seek support for yourself

•          If the person’s health is in immediate danger, hospitalization may be necessary as a last resort

You may feel frustrated

•          Recovery takes time, do not give up

You may feel emotionally drained

•          You are only human and you have needs of your own

•          You also need to take care of yourself during this time :

§  Do something that you enjoy and something that helps you to relax

§  Seek support

You may feel confused

•          Educate yourself about eating disorders to deal with confusion

•          Talk to a professional who knows about eating disorders,

•          Talk with people who are in a good recovery or who have recovered from their eating disorder

•          Speak with other families who are experiencing what you are.

•          Be positive and supportive

•          Let them know that you love them and that they are very important to you

•          Let them know that you are on their side

•          Let them know that you will not abandon then and that you are always there to listen

•          Try not to spend time focusing on their behaviors or talking about it. Instead, try talking to them about how they feel inside